Relationship with God, The Quote, Being Ambivalent and Living in America

Giving so much effort and time to something that you have been longing seemed useless when things don’t go as you planned it to be. You don’t always get what you want but it doesn’t mean that you have to give up on God when what you prayed for doesn’t happen. It’s not what we can get out of our relationship with Him.

Okay I read that line from one of my friend’s blog entries and it struck me completely. I remember telling my brother how I seemed to have lost faith in him and how I felt that I did not have the connection when I pray to him. It actually bothers me because I feel I did what the quote said that I gave up on him. Right now, I am doing my best to regain my relationship with him. Every night I pray hard and I just try to be as honest as I can to rebuild the connection.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He Will make your paths straight. –(Proverbs 3:5-6)

I remember this verse from the bible because I used to have it posted in my room during my senior year in high school. It was one of the toughest time I have since this was the time in my life where my grades were at an all time low and to think I have to go to prepare myself for college it was a nightmare for any student. I cannot remember where I first got this verse but the moment I saw it it just changed my perspective. That last quarter of my senior year I had awesome grades and I got in to the school that I wanted to get in to and from that moment on things were really good for me.

Its funny that I stumbled upon this verse again. Right now, I am in a place wherein I am struggling and there is fear and lack of self confidence. Its like you really do not know where to pull the energy that you need to get through this experience. Its sad because as much as you are trying to move on there is doubt and fear.

Right now I am trying to challenge myself again and hopefully this time I can make it. Its pretty rough when time is your enemy it doesn’t give you much space to grieve and reflect you just move on. Its painful enough to let yourself down but when people you care about gets disappointed as well its damaging.

I just try to move on with stuff and I guess right now it kind of sunk in already. I think I exert more effort now than before and I try my best to shut out everything around me. Its my weakness I am overly sensitive emotionally and to others and the tendency is that I eventually end up helping others before myself… which sometimes really suck.

Another thing I noticed about myself is that staying here in America made me have doubts if I really wanted to be here. Its weird because everyone knows I love the US and its my dream to be here. But then the past few months I have been here well I felt otherwise. So I tried sorting it out in my head and up until now I have no concrete answer to this. I am still AMBIVALENT.

I do not know if its because of the people I am with that makes me feel this way or just in general. Its difficult when you were raised in a certain way and then suddenly be placed in a very different situation. You try and do your best to be respectful and pleasing but its hard when its not reciprocated. I do not expect to be rewarded or anything just a little sensitivity and respect.

All the more that I experience these things the more I miss my family back home. Now, I appreciate how they were forming me to be this person I am today. I am having difficulty embracing these things that I hear and see because its different from how I grew up and its sad that as much as you want to correct or react to it you can’t because that is just how they are. Their ideals are different from mine and I just have to respect that but sometimes it really is just frustrating.

I cannot believe it but sometimes in my head I cannot wait to go back home. Maybe if I did not have any responsibility to do around here I would have been home already. Its been really crazy and emotionally draining with this trip.

Like what I said I have been very ambivalent… during our overnight trip to Santa Cruz and Monterey I was happy for some strange reason. That trip was more than just a trip of going to some place new or sight seeing. Yes it was exciting to be there since it was my first time but it was really like a breath of fresh air.

It reminded me why I wanted to live and be here in the US. That America is more than just the confinement of the home and all of the stressful stuff that was in it. That is maybe the reason why I am so eager to go out and just be at some place… just to be able to vent out and be myself.

Its funny I was in Borders this afternoon reading a book. All of a sudden my eyes got teary eyed which led to this post because all of this stuff was in my head except for the part of the quotes since before I started this entry with the quotes in it and I never finished it and just saved it on draft.

I was watching the season finale of America’s Next Top Model last night and the winner, Jaslene she said something about second chances and just trying your hardest… its a different ball game in my story but if I do the same maybe I can do it also. And then I saw a part of Rev Run’s show Run’s House where he does this daily reflections at the end of the show he said something if you give yourself that extra push and if you try harder you can be surprised with what you can do.

So I am holding on to these thoughts and I really really want to get over all of these and hopefully I will be successful this time. I have no idea what I will do with myself if this will not work out this time around. I am working my ass off and after this entry I am going to work a little more harder.