I could just imagine how my brother feels since he has been here for a longer period of time as compared to me. I cannot wait to see my mom again after a month. Family will always be family no matter how you put it.
Its kind of mind blowing trying to balance things especially if you are in a new environment. As much as you try to see the bigger picture of things or give reason to whatever thoughts you have inside your head you just go back in to this state of denial… you tend to resist.
I keep on telling myself that sooner or later I have to accept it that this is how things are going to be for now. I have never my seen my brother like this I mean truly he is more patient now and he just learned to suck it all in.
I remember we had this conversation in the car and he told me he was kind of amazed that I still have this sort of “rebellious” spirit in me. And I admit I think I developed that from school and other experiences, I learned to stand up on my own especially when my brother left the Philippines. I have always considered him as the “nicer” sibling and I admire him for that because he is very open to our parents even if what he says sometimes gets him in to trouble. We are the exact opposite he is very vocal I am very quiet. He is very sociable I am an introvert and the list just goes on and on…
My Kuya has big plans for me and my future but I cannot help but think sometimes if its going to be like that forever he has a family of his own now and as much as his wife is very giving and understanding I know that it will also have an endpoint maybe not now but later on in life.
I have this feeling always that I have to separate myself from him because every time I come near him I feel like I am a threat or something… its weird. So as soon as I can really stand up on my own I think that the best thing to do is to go and start a life of my own.
I live my life observing actions and behavior that is why I am so quiet or not as social as my brother. I could consume the whole day sitting in a coffee shop just looking around at people and their actions.
I fear that I might end up like some of the people I see here in the US that my own values and principles would be washed away and I change in to this completely different person. I am aware that this would just happen if I let it happen but sometimes it can really get the best out of you influences can be pretty tricky.
As much as I tell myself that I won’t be like this or that… there will always be this uncertainty and you will always continue to evolve and change as a person because as they say change is inevitable and if you resist change then you get stuck and that is when I think things get pretty darn complicated.
Here are some situations I see here that I fear I end up doing:
- I don’t like to be in a situation wherein I am in debt because I feel that I am tied down to that person or situation.
- I don’t want to buy something I cannot really afford or I get something because I need to compete with someone that I always have to be better. If I want to be better I do it because I know I can accomplish it not because I need to prove myself to others.
- I don’t want to get something that I know I do not know how to use or something I do not need. Like what my dad told me “In America its not the money that you earn that makes you rich but the money you do not spend“. If I earn a million dollars a year but I have a debt of 1.1M then its pointless.
- I don’t want to be one of those people who do not have a sense of gratitude from where they came from. If I come to a point wherein I know I have made it I hope that I won’t be arrogant to ridicule where I came from to begin with it was the reason why you are what you are now. Its one thing to feel sad about a country’s potential (e.g. Philippines) and it is another thing to ridicule it… let us face it Philippines will never be America there is just no point of comparison.
I can go on and on about things inside my head and I tell you there are more stuff that just makes this head of mine ache… but I think I will reserve that for my future entries… I think I rant too much but then again this is my blog so I can voice out what I feel here…